u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
