there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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