you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
