it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
