She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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