I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
