If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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