so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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