guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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