What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
