my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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