He uses pillows to masturbate.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
