is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
