dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
