I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
