I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
