You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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