is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
