i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
