I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
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