my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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