Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
