They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
