I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
