he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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