Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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