Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm too high and old for this...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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