After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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