a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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