my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
