i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
