Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
