see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
