Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
