Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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