we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
