I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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