They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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