hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
