So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
