im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
