areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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