You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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