Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I want a musical about memes.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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