True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
