Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
