the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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