I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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