Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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