Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
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