Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
