piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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