I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
