He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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