he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
