Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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