The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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