Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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