in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
