I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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