Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
