fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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