it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
