FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
