so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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