I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
