a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
