He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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