there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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